Če preživim ta teden, preživim vse.
Za menoj je najmočnejša in najintenzivnejša menstruacija v življenju. Po dolgem času sem vzela celo analgetik in baldrijanove kapljice, ker mi na trenutke ni bilo več jasno s čim lahko še podprem telo. Barsi, telesni procesi in ozaveščanje so mi bili ogromen doprinos, vseeno pa sem bila na trenutke bosa, kljub orodjem, znanju in zavedanju.
Z Matevžem sva bila včeraj na obisku pri Mitji in Patriciji. Hecali smo se in pili dobro vino, ko me je usekalo. V predelu trtice me je zagrabila res čudna ostra intenzivnost, ki me je polegla na kavč. Nisem paničarila, zabavni dražljaji iz okolice so me odmikali od tega, da bi zadevi dajala pomembnost. V zadnjih tednih me je v tem predelu že večkrat skelelo, vendar sem vzrok sprva pripisovala neudobnemu sedežu na kolesu in pomanjkanju gibanja, ki resnično odgovarja mojemu telesu. Na tem že pridno delam, kolo pa so mi tako ali tako ukradli.
Z Matevžem sva se spogledala in postalo mi je jasno, da je zajebancije dovolj. Kasneje mi je povedal, da sem imela čisto neprepoznaven obraz. Potrebno je bilo ukrepati takoj. Ujela sem se, da sem v določeni meri že uživala v trpinčenju telesa in to res ni bilo moje. Takoj sem paket vrnila pošiljateljem in stopila v akcijo.
Šlo je za preprosto izbiro, ki je popolnoma spremenila tok prihodnosti.
Ko sva se peljala proti domu, sem se zvijala od bolečin, ki so se iz sekunde v sekundo stopnjevale, meglilo in temnilo se mi je pred očmi, obhajala me je slabost, klela sem kot obsedena. Tokrat sem bila odločena, da bom ostala prisotna s telesom, da bova temu skupaj prišla do dna. Matevž mi je bil pri tem v velik doprinos, ker vsega skupaj ni jemal resno. Pa vozil je lepo kot še nikoli in po poti sva se uspela celo parkrat pošaliti.
Ko sem se spraševala, kaj bi bilo najbolje narediti, sem takoj dobila zaznavo, naj se obrnem na Harisa. Pisala sem mu, čeprav nisem pričakovala, da se mi bo lahko posvetil. Ko je zazvonil telefon, me je objela hvaležnost.
Haris je v Istanbulu, kjer bo čez vikend vodil 3-dnevni Body class in pripravljen mi je bil facilitirati, kljub temu, da je bila ura že skoraj polnoč. Njegove seanse dobro poznam, zato sem šla na vse ali nič. To, da je fizično 1500km stran mu ni predstavljalo nikakršne ovire. Postavil mi je par vprašanj s katerimi sem ozavestila ključne stvari pri svojem početju v zadnjih tednih. Večina je bila povezana z obrambnim zidom, ki sem ga dolgo nazaj postavila pred svojimi starši. Dovolila sem si ga spustiti. Do dna.
Dovolila sem si spremembo po kateri je kričalo telo in začela sem resnično prejemati. Njiju. Sebe. Življenje.
Med najinim pogovorom so vse bolečine popolnoma izvenele. Zaspala sem kot dojenček.
If u love me, keep me coming <3
If I make it through this week, I am going to make it through everything.
The strongest and most intense menstruation in my life is behind me. After a long period of time I even took an analgesic and valerian drops, because at some point, it was no longer clear to me how to support my body. Bars and body processes were a big support for me, but at some points I still was completely barefoot, despite all tools, knowledge and awareness.
Matevž and I were yesterday visiting friends. We were fooling around and drinking good wine, when it hit me. I was grabbed by a really strange sharp intensity in the tailbone area that led me down to the couch.
I did not panic. The entertaining stimulations from the surroundings moved me away from giving this matter an importance. In the last few weeks, I feel stinging in this area many times, but at first I was referring the cause to the uncomfortable seat on the bike and the lack of exercise that really made my body feel good. I’m diligently working on this, and my bike has been stolen anyway.
When we looked at each other with Matevž, it was clear to me, that there is enough fucking with this. Later he told me, that I had a completely unrecognizable face. It was necessary to act immediately. I caught myself enjoying in a certain amount of maltreatment of the body and this was really not my cup of tea.
I stepped into action, chose to be aware of it and immediately returned the whole package to the sender.
It was a simple choice that completely changed the flow of the future.
When we were driving home, I was trembling in pains, which were increasing from one second to another, it was turning foggy, and darkened in front of my eyes, I felt weakness and was cursing obsessively. This time, I was determined to stay present with the body, so we would together get to the bottom of this. Matevž was a great contributor to me, because he did not take the whole thing seriously. He was driving as smooth as never before and we even managed to make jokes a few times on the road.
When I was wondering about the best solution, I immediately got the perception that I should turn to Haris. I wrote to him, even though I did not expect, that he would be able to dedicate his time to me. When the phone rang, I was embraced with gratitude.
Haris is in Istanbul, where he will be leading a 3-day Body class over the weekend, and he was ready to facilitate me, despite the fact the time was almost midnight. I know his sessions well, so I went all in. The fact that he was physically 1500km away did not constitute any obstacle. He asked me a couple of questions with whom I raised awareness of the key things in my doings and decisions in recent weeks. Most of them were connected with the defensive wall I made a long time ago against my parents.
I allowed myself to let it down. Till the bottom.
I allowed the change for which the body was screaming and I really started to receive. Them, myself, life.
During our conversation all the pains were completely released. I fell asleep like a baby.
If u love me, keep me coming <3